The safest place in the world: The Santa Monica Stairs

So, how do you define the safest place in the world?

I say it would be the mythical combination of a place where no crime exists along with an unnecessary and overwhelming police presence. We all realize that those two things would never occur at the same place for a plethora of reasons; it would be like someone trying to attack the Pentagon with a handful of civilians aboard a passenger jet.

In fact it just so happens that such a place does exist and it's right here in LA. The Plastico reports that there is no place in the world that is better patrolled than the ultra safe block of 4th avenue between San Vicente and Adelaide in Santa Monica, CA. This particular block is very very small. In fact, it has a total length of about 425'.

By now you have lots of questions as to why the police would have any active presence on this particular block made up of multi million dollar estates. Let me take it from the top:

This particular area has two sets of stairs that are treasured by folks who enjoy outdoor exercise. One set is concrete, the other is wood; both are a very difficult climb (if you can do 10 sets you are in good shape). Long story short - hot girls work out there and they work out there often. They can be found wearing sports bras and a light layer of glistening sweat. I have been keeping close tabs on this very fact for some years now. While I admit to working out and catching a nice view at the stairs I also admit to not taking a government paycheck while I do it.

So here is the rub: Just about every male city worker in Santa Monica drives back and forth through this neighborhood all day long so that they can see some tail. The endless parade of taxpayer funded vehicles and personnel frequenting the stairs include but are not limited to:

Animal Control
Santa Monica Parking Enforcement (on days with no posted parking restrictions)
LAPD
Santa Monica Police
Los Angeles County Sheriffs

Santa Monica City Maintenance (just about every kind of truck you can think of)

To top off the list just today I spotted this Santa Monica Police K9 unit (pictured left) as it cruised through; I guess you have to give a dog a bone every now and again.

The reality is that since before Christ folks have been exercising in this area. For just as long, your tax dollars have gone to State and City workers that spend remarkable amounts of time driving by in circles and parking nearby to enjoy the view.

But now it's actually official. The Santa Monica Police now have a full time presence at the stairs. Shift after shift we now pay an armed officer hang out and tell people they cannot stretch or do sit ups on the 4th street median. City code says that the median is for walking and jogging only. If you are handicapped and wheelchair bound you may not wheel yourself across the median that you pay tax dollars to maintain. Suck on that invalids!

If you think I'm kidding, you are wrong. Here are the signs that prohibit you from stopping to adjust your socks, kiss your child or to help someone who has just suffered a heart attack because they could not legally stop to rest during their run:

The sign pictured left is new; four of them were installed this week

So how much are taxpayers spending to patrol this 20' wide x 425' piece of grass median? Hard to say but you can price in a full time officer with patrol car for all daylight hours to start. The officer on duty today said that he figured it would just be a two week stint; after a recent meeting he was told it will be indefinite. I suppose that the other city workers who circle throughout the day probably wouldn't be doing anything else anyway so that cost is moot. Certainly the least they could do is get out of their vehicles and do a set of stairs.

For the record (and we always hate the record), it seems that all 'median planting strips are for walking and jogging only' in Santa Monica according to a 1970 code. But can't we all agree that we would rather have every officer spending his or her time targeting serious crimes like not having a front license plate or for using a hand-held cell phone? Also for the record - the Santa Monica Police will not return calls to comment on this story; other city workers have been quoted as saying "(insert chauvinistic whistle sounds; repeat as needed)".