Perhaps The Most Embarrassing Loss by UCLA Football...Ever.

Absolutely everything goes wrong for Rick Neuheisel and Bruins. 59-0. Rumors are spreading that the BYU Cougars, up 42-0 at halftime, decided that even God could not bring the Bruins back into the game. They tested the theory and their faith by drinking a cocktail of coffee, beer, and regular coke prior to taking the field in the 3rd quarter. Additionally, they opted against a half time speech by the coaching staff in favor of clips from the 'R' rated movie "The Big Lebowski".

Indeed, God was unable to help the Bruins...BYU decided not to take the field in the 4th quarter, choosing instead to drink vodka shots and donate money to the Obama campaign. With the Cougars gone, UCLA managed a zero to zero 4th quarter score.

Above: a downed Bruin is about to receive a 6 on 1 gay dry hump - another explicitly forbidden act within the Mormon faith that the Cougars carried out during the 3rd quarter Saturday.

The USC Conundrum

by: Petros Papadockiss, 12:00 noon PST
The Plastico Sports Report

The boys at UCLA are all right after a nice home opener and a 1-0 start for new coach Rick Neuheisel. But the baby blue do not expect to contend for a PAC 10 title just yet (you can follow both teams here at The Plastico with the ESPN Widgets on the right side of the page). For now the football world is still focused on SC. So what is the only thing that can stand between Pete Carroll's Trojans and a National Championship: too many players. Sounds like a good problem but it could fester into an issue that eats the team from the inside out - sort of like a giant tapeworm that actually makes its way all the way to your mouth.... so that when you feed yourself you actually put the food in the tapeworms mouth... but it never says thank you. Kind of like that.

So, is the coaching staff smart enough to convince NFL prospects that are 4th or 5th on the depth chart that it's good for them to ride the bench and take 2 snaps a game. So far yes. But it may just be that the players are dumb enough to do it. Either way - this archive article from the Onion.com sums up the only issue that stands between SC and another title:

Freshman Running Back Wondering If Other Four Freshmen Running Backs Were Told They'd Start This Year

August 31, 2006 | | Onion Sports

LOS ANGELES—University of Southern California freshman running back C.J. Gable wondered at practice yesterday if head coach Pete Carroll had also told fellow freshmen running backs Kenny Ashley, Stanley Havili, Stafon Johnson, and Emmanuel Moody that they would be given the opportunity to start this year. "When I was recruited, Coach Carroll told me I was the next Reggie Bush and the team's future," a homesick and confused Gable said to his mother during a phone call. "I wonder, is that something he tells all the other freshman running backs to get them to come to USC?" Gable later assumed his worst fears were coming true when Carroll remarked that all the freshmen running backs, along with six other upperclassmen running backs, were "really cluttering up the Trojan locker room."