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The 7 Most Retarded Ways Celebrities Have Tried to Go Green
With the threat of global warming looming, it's more important than ever that all of us appear to care about the environment.
Maybe no one works harder on this than celebrities, who make it a point to show up in the papers every now and then with their latest eco-friendly gesture. We would applaud them for this, if it wasn't for the fact that the gestures are often mind-blowingly retarded.
Earlier this year, Paul McCartney bought (or may have been given) a hybrid car from Lexus, after he had done some promotional work for them. See! This is what John Lennon was singing about, people.
So What's the Problem?
The car was specially flown in from Japan, thus creating several hundred times more emissions than it would ever save. Reports differ as to whether or not McCartney bought the car and demanded it be flown to him, or if Lexus took it upon themselves to send it to him to make McCartney look like even more of a dick than he usually does.
In an interview, McCartney claimed to be horrified by the whole thing, but he couldn't talk for long as he had to go protect animals from potential forest fires by chopping down the Amazon rain forest.
It Could Have Been Worse...
He could have left it in the plane, then just had the plane fly him around England while he sat behind the wheel making engine sounds.
On the eve of Al Gore's Live Earth gigs in July 2007, Jennifer Aniston said that because every two minutes of showering uses as much water as an African person has for an entire day, she restricts herself to a three minute shower (why fuck just one African's day up?). Also, she pointed out that she brushes her teeth in the shower to save on water, and that she painted her house green so it could be powered by photosynthesis.
OK, we made the last one up.
So What's the Problem?
For the moment we'll forgive the fact that dentists say it takes two minutes to brush your teeth properly, leaving Jennifer only one minute in the shower to clean the rest of her body (though perhaps making it clearer why Brad Pitt left her).
The bigger problem is that two minutes of brushing in the shower uses about five gallons of water, where two minutes of modest faucet usage (even if you're the type who leaves it running the whole time) only uses about two gallons. You don't need a spreadsheet to tell you which one saves the most water. Also, we can say from personal experience that you can save way more water than either method by simply not showering at all.
It Could Have Been Worse...
She could have suggested just taking your toothpaste and brush to the car wash, then sticking your head out of the window as you go through.
Sheryl Crow took time out from her role as least offensive musician ever to tell people to use only one square of toilet paper back in April 2007. Crow had been touring, so we've got a feeling she came up with the "one square" idea after an incident on the tour bus that we never, ever want to hear about.
So What's the Problem?
We don't know about you, but there have definitely been times when one sheet of toilet paper just isn't enough. And that's every time.
"I'm clearly not familiar with standard pooping."
Crow helpfully suggests that we can use two or three sheets for when that rare, exceptional shit calls for it. Now, without getting too graphic here, let's just say that after a night out involving a case of beer and a heap of heavily-spiced Indian food, two or three sheets would be nothing more than a preliminary damage assessment.
Crow later tried to pretend she had meant it all as a joke, but this was probably after she realized everyone was sitting on the opposite side of the tour bus from her.
Look how uncomfortable Sheryl Crow's butt makes John Mayer.
It Could Have Been Worse...
Crow could have taken her war against paper wastage to above anal levels and suggested making clothing with built-in napkins on the sleeves. Oh wait, she already did.
Woody Harrelson was apparently a huge activist for environmental causes even before it became fashionable. He even boasts that he wears "vegan" clothes. We're not sure what constitutes vegan clothes, but we like to imagine Woody leaving bacon and sausages by his closet overnight, then smiling approvingly when he finds them untouched in the morning.
So What's the Problem?
Woody was attending the Cannes Film Festival this year and took part in a Charity Poker event with other celebrities like Salma Hayek and Tim Robbins, but once there he noticed he had forgotten his favorite vegan shoes and belt.
Woody's favorite belt buckle.
At this point he did what any of us would have done, and had them flown in from California on a private jet.
Actually, upon further consideration, we wouldn't have done that. We would have probably sat at the card table naked from the waist down and yelled "Poker? Damn near killed 'er!" over and over again while staring Salma Hayek right in the eye and rhythmically thrusting our hips in her general direction.
We're rarely, if ever, invited to poker nights.
It Could Have Been Worse...
He could have found a gravy stain on his favorite vegan shirt, and had it flown to California and back to be washed at a special vegan dry cleaner. Or even worse, he could have found out that it was chicken gravy and loudly accused the shirt of eating meat behind his back.
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Celebrities have been getting around the whole "cut back on their lifestyle" thing by instead planting a shitload of trees somewhere in the world, arguing that the thousand or so trees they've planted (well, paid some charity to plant in some third-world farmer's back yard) will completely neutralize their carbon footprint.
Coldplay's Chris Martin, for instance, planted 10,000 mango trees in India to offset whatever emissions were made during the release of A Rush Of Blood To The Head, from their coal-fired guitars or whatever.
So What's the Problem?
It just doesn't work, according to environmental groups. Trees don't lock in carbon for long enough to make a difference. It's not a bad thing to plant trees, but it's not a magical cure for image-conscious celebrities who want to hang onto their private jets.
"I'm a massive tool, all the time."
And about those mango trees Martin had planted? Yeah, they're pretty much all dead.
It Could Have Been Worse...
He could have had the trees flown there by private jet.
Harrison Ford decided to wax his chest to raise awareness of over-logging in the Amazon rainforest, and to make men wince from California to Delhi. The waxing can be seen in this thirty second video that is the centerpiece of the "Lost there, felt here" deforestation campaign which, without looking it up, we believe involves selling human body hair to raise money for the rain forests.
So What's the Problem?
If Harrison Ford turned up at our house, shirtless and with waxing strips stuck to his chest, and then pulled off the strips one by one with girlish shrieks of pain, we'd be unlikely to pay attention to a single word that was coming out of his mouth. It wouldn't matter if he was trying to send a message about deforestation, or that he wanted to give us all of the money in his wallet. We'd be too busy shutting the door in his face, securely bolting it, and checking the rest of the doors and windows to make sure they were fastened securely.
What we're saying is that there are better ways to tell the world about deforestation, Mr. Ford. Show us some pictures or something. Narrate a documentary. Just put your shirt back on.
It Could Have Been Worse...
At least it was his chest hair.
And just to make sure you're imagining Harrison Ford ripping the hair off of his nuts.
In 2007 Al Gore organized a series of large concerts with the idea of informing people about global warming, via the medium of spunky, sassy pop stars singing songs and every now and again sitting around smugly, telling the world how they've installed solar panels or how they power their houses with potatoes or some shit.
So What's the Problem?
How about shifting 150 artists around the world, flying them a total of 222,623 miles (that's not counting the technical staff) and pumping 31,500 ton of carbon emissions into the atmosphere for that day alone?
By comparison, the average American releases twenty tons. A year.
"Guys, check it out, I invented a car that runs on pandas."
It Could Have Been Worse...
We suppose if a band could have somehow used a tour bus, several police cars, a private jet and a helicopter to make a single trip from one venue to another... no, wait, that actually happened.
The band Razorlight did it, then claimed they'd offset the damage by planting some trees later. Hey, it worked for Coldplay.
For more evidence that most celebrities are a lot dumber than you think, check out 10 Secret Celebrity Scientologists. Or if you're tired of hating celebrities, watch today's Hate by Numbers and let Gladstone take over for you.
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